In a lot of ways, this feels vulnerable and well, weak. 

But, let me explain. 

So, a few months ago, I got home from New Zealand (not in the best shape because outreach is just like that), and I decided to start running. The first day I did 1 mile then the next 1.5 then I just kept pushing myself. It became sort of a game. I had never run more than 3 miles straight in my life (without walking or doing it for cross training in a sport). And, so I began to learn about pacing and low and behold 2 weeks into it I ran 5 non-stop miles. It felt like a victory I never thought was possible.

Okay, if you’re a runner you’re probably like 5 miles??? But, for us non-runners, 5 miles straight is unheard of. 

While this was happening my friend Salem was also running, and got me on this app, STRAVA, where you track your runs and post comments and pictures with your runs. So, it was just starting to get fun. I was running more and sharing it with friends, and seeing my friends run too. 

She called me one day and was like Ella let’s run a marathon.

She proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were going to start training for a marathon Nov 4, which was less than 3 months away. 

So, as a beginning runner on the high of completing 5 miles, I said yeah duh I can totally do that. 

In addition, one of my favorite things about Salem and I’s friendship is our competitive hearts. It truly pushes us to greatness in every area of life. If I’m being passive with a dream of mine and I see her take steps in her dreams, is that going to push me out of passivity? Yes absolutely. And vice versa. 

However, within competition in friendship, it’s also easy to bleed into comparison and jealousy if you don’t guard your heart and honestly walk in vulnerability with each other. But we’ll talk more about that in a second. 

BACK TO THE TRAINING PROCESS

So, the following week, I began this 12 week marathon training (because that’s the timeline we had). And, I mean, week one it was having me run 5, 6, 8 miles a day. I was feeling it for sure. But I kept running because you know, I’m not a quitter. I got to the Saturday long run, and truly could not complete it because my legs were dragging because my knees hurt so bad. 

I went home after 6 and iced them for an hour. I remember feeling so frustrated and weak. Like mad that my body couldn't “just finish.”

So, Monday, I proceeded with the schedule. I ran 4 and again the pain was so bad, but I persisted. At this point, I thought there must be something I’m doing wrong. So, the next day, I went to a running shoe store to get inserts. 

I began to tell the guy that was helping me about my training and pain, and he immediately laughed and said yeah of course your knees hurt. You went from 0-100 way too quick. He began to tell me you’re only supposed to increase mileage 10% each week. Where I was increasing it 50-75% each week.

So I said I’m running a marathon on November 4, how do I decrease the pain so I can train? He said there’s no way you can decrease the pain, you’re increasing mileage too much too quickly. 

So, I left, thinking I know best and I’m strong and I’ll just do it!

That Saturday, I ran 10 miles with Salem. At the moment, did it feel like one of the hardest things I’d ever done? Yes. But having a buddy push you in the moment, you can complete anything. 

I continued the next week and ran another 10 the following Saturday. 

Then, the schedule, 4 weeks in (hahahah I look back and I’m like that’s crazy) had a half marathon on the schedule for Saturday. It happened to be the weekend I was traveling to Idaho to visit Dylan. So, Saturday morning rolls around and I am like alright let’s go I can do it. 

Dylan hops on his bike and we start. I get to mile 9 and my body starts legit shutting down. I had not eaten anything except a few nuts because I’ve always thought running on a full stomach = throwing up (FALSE!!!).

So here I am at mile 10 and my legs are dragging; I’m in pain. But, I’m like I made it this far, I can’t quit now. I finished 13.1 miles: completed my first ever half marathon!

When I finished, I felt like I needed to throw up, but had no food to throw up, my legs were aching. I didn’t know if I should sit or walk, my body had chills, it truly felt like it was shutting down. We drove home and I ate and felt better.

But let me tell you my knees and legs felt it that week. The following week, I tried again, this time fueled. The schedule said 15 miles, but I could only finish 13.5ish and had to stop (again for the same reasons). 

This was the sobering weekend where I first had the thought: okay maybe I should listen to my body and take it a little bit slower. 

Simultaneously as all this was happening, I was making big life decisions. I decided to quit my job and move across America. I’ll write another blog about why, but in the meantime, within 2 weeks, I’d be on the road for 1 week driving out to Idaho.

So, I sat and thought. Okay this means: no training for a week (as I drive), I will be in Idaho the day of the Charlotte marathon - November 4 ($700 ticket to fly home), and I’m struggling through this training trying to find the balance of pushing myself and really pacing myself. 

But, the thought of NOT running it November 4, felt like one I couldn’t bear. 

1. I had let my friends, family, and essentially all my social media following that I’m training AND running this marathon (yes, I am an over-sharer and yes I will one day write a blog about social media/expectations/comparison/that whole deal because it’s REAL).

2. I was “doing this” with Salem. Intrusive thoughts: if she completes it and I don’t, well, then I’m failing and she’s stronger and more athletic than me and honestly just wins (competitive spirit kicks in). 

3. We’ll, I’d just fail - It’d mean I’m weak because I can’t finish something I signed up to do (if that’s not poking my pride, I don’t know what is)

If you’ve made it this far, bear with me, we’re getting somewhere. 

This whole time I was running, I thought I was learning a lesson about pacing while on my runs, however, the Lord was teaching me a bigger lesson of pacing than I thought.

“The marathon of life”

In summation, 

1. I won’t be running the marathon on November 4 (this weekend). 

2. My bestie Salem WILL be running it and running it LIKE A BEAST (and Will ofc too). 

3. I did in fact move to Idaho.

All this to say, the pace that I thought I’d be running this at, just totally isn't the actual pace I will be going at. It has been a humbling process to realize I actually won't be running it this Saturday. However, a beautiful process! 

My body had different plans with the way it couldn’t handle the runs, God had different plans with me moving all the way across America.

I’m realizing, I don’t have to get married at my time, I don’t have to get a job on my time, I don’t even have to stay or go somewhere on my time. My life is actually not my own, and this training process has taught me more about deep surrender with my timelines. I so easily compare or feel disappointed when my life or timeline isn't lining up with what I think is best.

That even goes into that healthy competition that could so easily lead to jealousy or comparison I was talking about earlier. I’ve been learning to crush that also. As those thoughts come in, I’m learning to take my thoughts captive and even share these things with Salem! One thing I’ve learned in friendships is it’s actually so awesome to walk in vulnerability. The enemy is lying and trying to divide as he comes in with those comparison thoughts.

And when you share with each other about it, It’s like “oh! Wait! That’s actually so dumb to believe, and we’re actually here to champion each other!”

All this to say, I’m learning it’s actually okay to go at different paces than expected, and it doesn’t actually make me a failure to do so.

ANDDDDDD I do know I will still run a marathon. It’s something I mentally signed up to do, and I will complete it. ANDDDDDD it’ll be epic because it’ll be the perfect timing for me!

God is the best pacer, leader, and friend to walk through these kind of things with!

Sorry this was a long one guys. It also felt so jumbled, if you have comments or want to talk more about this I would looooove to chat.